I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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