Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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