you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think im going to throw up on grandma
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
