You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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