So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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