listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
