WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize