I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
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