Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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