he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
