The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
