I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I forgot wine drunk hurts
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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