his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
