i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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