I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize