i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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