last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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