dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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