I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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