I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
