Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
