i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
All the doctor said was why
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
