I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
