Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
