cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i think i have two assholes
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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