Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize