I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Are we still banned from the library?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
