I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
