do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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