You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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