I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
