i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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