My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
