You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
