My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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