i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
