How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
