I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
did you just send me my own nude
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
