just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
