This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
