I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
