Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
