Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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