if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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