I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
