i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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