I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
