the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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