my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
