I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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