Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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