drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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