Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
