thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
