I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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