the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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