think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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