you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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