Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
