He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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