Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
