Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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