I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
