This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
