It was confusing and full of hummus
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
