i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
