I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
