I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
