How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
