I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
