Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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