i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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