Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
