my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
